Hartwig's Story Part 2

One again the writing of numbers. In the first part it concerned more reading and expressing from numbers, and the problems which I thereby have. I have a similar problem with writing the numbers. If I write a number, then one writes in the ascending order. Thus if I write the number of 172, then I write last the "1", then to "7" and then the "2". If I however read the number in the thought, then first there is the  "1", then the "2" and then at the end the "7". I first practiced the reading. That is now more or less to some extent what I can do. However if I must write a number, I must "reposition" the numbers on demand. However since I remembered very intensively the  reading, there comes when writing the number in my thought it traverses "1", "2" and "7" into the game and it lasts some time to get it right again. But exercise makes the master. Thus continue to practice!

By the way, also during reading in English some things are a bit confusing, it is somewhat less than in German, but nevertheless there is some confusion. "zero", "one", "two", "three", "four", "five", "six", "seven", "eight", "nine" here is still all ok, but then it goes again somewhat crosswise: "ten", "eleven" , "twelve", "third-teen", "four-teen", "fifteen", "sex-teen", "seventeen", "eighteen", "nineteen", here again the reverse sequence. From that point on it goes again in order, "twenty", "twenty one", "twenty two" etc.. In contrast to German, however it is the "correct" order. Thus while in German the number of "23" starts with "3" and ends with the "2" (twenty-three"), it is reverse in English. Thus the is first the "2" and then there is the "3". 

If you once one learned the numbering, then that is not problem at all, but until you can it there, it will last some time.

I was some days ago with my father in the forest. We were afforesting. That is an activity, which I can make, since I must apply thereby no large concentration, and/or it is an activity for which my concentration is sufficient. It was a lot of fun. There was fresh air and it was pleasantly warm. My mind was kind of free. I thought about the forest and how beautiful it is there. Then, suddenly my brain got stuck. I wanted to remember what I normally did during day time. Normally I am learning and writing this story. I did not get a clue for one hour. I knew where I am at home, but for am hour I didn't have an idea, what I normally do each day. I have tried to set all levers in motion, but no chance. Only after one hour I came to the point what I normally did. And from then on it went again on it's own. Simply the correct memory aid was missing, between what I normally do, and what I did these day. On such days it becomes even more obvious to me, how holey my brain still is. But here as well is the important thing not to give up and try to solve the situation. Not desperately trying too, but also not giving up. For me it was an important experience to go  through.

For a long time I was dealing with characters. Reading and writing characters. As I said, afterwards it seemed as it was taking a decade of years. And still I have this hesitating, if I have to read or write a character. That all became much better, but as said, a certain hesitation is still there. 

I have started to work with syllables some time ago. I could not imagine that it will take such a lot of effort. But now I know that it takes very long to get there to a certain point. It makes a difference whether after a "A" there is a "n" or a "l" or a "b". I mean here purely loud technical. Therefore I have begun to "learn syllables". As an example we take the Word "hy-phe-nat-ion". The word consists of 4 syllables. We seem to learn with the time, which letter combination makes sense, and which not. "Name" makes a sense, "Aenm" has also four letters,  however makes no sense. In the course of time we learn thus which we use and which not. It also seems to be like some characters are more important than others. But here I have to read a little bit more. 

When I begun to write my disease history, I thought I will be done in a week. However I soon recognized that this was an error. Only if I was intensively occupied with the thing, I noticed, how many individual components build up the live. And new components emerge again and again, which I did not consider at all. The things, which one uses several times a daily, go very fast into normality. "More interesting" is the thing with those things which are rarely used. Some things you only use once a year. I mean those things which you even don’t know that they are there. I try now to strengthen the examination of everything, whether everything is still there, and/or how much things were damaged. I try to test thus consciously whether it everything is still there. That is not topic at all if you know that something is still there, still available. It is more difficult for things which you have forgotten either or for things which are so heavily damaged that you can not even tell that they are there. It might for some of you sound amusing, but I am on a discovery journey with myself. And new things come to the daylight which do not function completely as they should do. But still overall many things do function well for me. That is one of the important things, which I learned: It is not natural that all that functions in such a way.

I have already mentioned it that it is still very difficult for me to notice and express names for me. Since this time I have looked in the internet for names and tried to get the naming correctly. That is relatively helpful and makes, at least for me, a lot of fun. I should perhaps collect and note the names in the internet for me. Then I could go and practice regularly to it.

Each day I make tasks in "Cogpack". A group which makes special difficulties for me are tasks of text which require me to make a link. An example: "A wholesaler buys 10000 screws for 400 Euro. He packs it in 50's packs and sells it for 4 Euro. Per pack he has packing costs of 1 Euro. How many Euro of profit makes that?". With this question five pieces of information are hidden behind that. However I can only manage two pieces of information at the same time. The rest has to be done serializing the information pieces. That makes the task so difficult for me. It takes a lot of time until I have gathered all the information. It becomes from day to day a little more. But it takes a lot of time until I get to the final goal.

For most of the characters typewriting on the computer is quite ok. Only some of the characters are causing problems. I still got problems with the following characters: ",", ";", ".", ":", "-", "_", "#", "'", "+", "*" and "?". Some of these are barely being used in “normal” live. And that is the difficulty about that. How do I learn such characters? If I tap a "a" or a "b" it takes some time, but it “does enters the brain at some point”. It is just a matter of exercise. Behind the "a" and the "b" there is still a sense. But it is difficult for me to find such a sense behind a "_" or ":". “To get a sense” behind a character that would make life much easier. Of course I could tap a special character many times, but that would not fix the problem. Instead I did the following. I wrote some words. Every word starts a new line, e.g.
Abby 

Abelina

Abigail 

Adelaide 

Adeline 

Adina 

Adrienne 

And now the exercise begins. I insert e.g. "_", and remove the “enter”. The text reads as follows: Abby_ Abelina_ Abigail_ Adelaide_ Adeline_ Adina _ Adrienne_. For most of you that is not a problem. But for me that is still difficult. I have a new character “_” and I remove the “enter”. I normally use many words in such an exercise. By that I get familiar to the characters and I also add a character each line. At least for me it is a good exercise and it has some sense.

I made something new with characters, syllables and numbers. Thereby I got on the following problems. I had a selection of large or small characters. My task was so order that in alphabetical order. Thus the following was: 
? ? ? ? ? 
? ? ? ? ? 
? ? ? ? ? 
? ? ? ? ? 
? ? ? ? ? 
? ? ? ? 
The characters are sorted in alphabetical order. For this purpose I got characters in random order which I should order alphabetically. Thus e.g. so: 
l ß r i a h y k ä o z
w ö m g u n f j s x e
ü t c d b v p q
This exercise is very good. At the beginning I started with the characters in alphabetical order. Thus I looked for where is the "a", then the "b" and so on. After some time I learned where the letters should stand. I knew thus, the "d" stands in the fourth place, and the "g" in the second row in the second place. At some time I was able to sort the characters in the position were they stood. Thus I began with in this case with the “l” then I continued with the “ß” and so on. Of course the characters were ordered in random time every time I started the game a new. With the time I got used with the position of the characters. I knew that an “i” has to be the last character in the second row. 
If I could program now already again, I would insert some changes here, e.g. I would change the size in the original block. Not always fife characters like that
? ? ? ? ? 
? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? ?
but e.g.. 
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? 
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
or
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? ? ? ? ? 
etc. then it would not be so easy to get it so easy in order. The user would then be confronted with a variety of variants and not just by one. But this will take some time until I can do C++ (programming language) again.

I did some more mathematic in the past couple of month. The latest topic was linear equations. At the beginning it was relatively difficult do sort out naming of numbers and characters. The following calculation is a beautiful example of back and forth of numbers and characters:

"Such a disorder of numbers and characters" is still very difficult for me. That will surely be one of the exercises if I can program again. But now back to the linear equations. At the beginning I tried to get "the feeling" for linear equations again. How does a function look like which follows the following rules: f(0) = 2.5 and f(4) = -1. It was very important for me simply the get a connection between the numbers and the graphics repaired. Each day a little bit more. Today I am already again with equations like "0.6*(4 + 3x) = 5*(0.7+0.2x)+2.5". Not only reading, but also getting the solution of the equation. It still lasts very long to solve such an equation, but it is a large success. I am already curious on the next tasks.

An exercise with Cogpack was recognizing images. You were presented successively 20 or 40 images. Each image is presented for fife seconds. For each image you have to say weather you have seen it already or not. This exercise was relatively easy for me. Of course, it depends on the content of the image. Some image categories were relatively simple, other were somewhat more difficult. While city images, desert images, road signs and art images were relatively easy, it was more difficult for some characters, names and flags (banners). But altogether an exercise, which motivated me! Finally something that was quiet easy for me.

I have started to read a book concerning Windows XP. I made the whole thing in English. That is a good exercise. On the one hand it is reading in English and on the other hand it is something which I did in former times already. At some places I notice then: Oh, I already know that. Some things appear from one second to the next again. In other places, however, everything has disappeared. I must try to reconstruct this part. I must try to get access to those things again. If there was at least something there, it normally goes relatively fast to do the recover. However it is really difficult if everything is away. Sometimes a keyword is enough to activate the whole thing again. However sometimes everything is away and I don’t find a way to recover it. It is basically a good thing to read something which I have done before I got sick. I notice then like certain parts build up very fast again.

I had already once mentioned parts of it, but for the sake of completeness I will do it again. It happened on the 11.08.2005.

• Subarachnoidale bleeding (aneurysm of the A. carotid interna left)

• Hydrocephalus malresorptivus

• Vasospasm

• Ischaemie in the left Mediastromgebiet

• Ventrikulities

• distal lower left with Luxationsfraktur of the upper jump joint

• Thoraxtrauma

• Lungenkontusion

• Blunt belly trauma

• Hyponatriämie

• Distance Fixateur external, Infection

A task at Cogpack is to recognize the colors in different variants. We play the tasks here for a certain colors combination. There are several color combinations possible. 

At first you have to remember a set of six colors. In this example we have the following colors: Corn-yellow, orange, lemon-yellow, pink, purple and deer-brown. The remembering went as a color box together with the name of the color box written in the appropriate color. As said the colors were corn-yellow, orange, lemon yellow, pink, purple and deer-brown. Now the first task was to name the colors, the colors names were all displayed in a uniform color. In addition a color was displayed in a box. Your task was to find the name of that color correctly. Only one box was correct. 

The next task consisted of designating a color. You had six colored boxes as a target of the selection. And you had to provide the name of one particular color. So for instance which color is “Corn-yellow”. For this question you had the selection of six boxes in the colors: Corn-yellow, orange, lemon-yellow, pink, purple and deer-brown. You had to decide which color e.g. is “corn-yellow”. 

In the next part of the experiment the name of a color was search. You had six differently colored names. You had to search for a certain color name. You had to search for the name of a color e.g. “orange”. The name of the color could be written in any color. Important was that the name of the color was correct, in the case of this example
“orange”. 

In the next part of the experiment the name of a color was search. You had six differently colored names. You had to search for a certain color name. You had to search for the name of a color e.g. “orange”. The name of the color could be written in any color. Important was that the name of the color was correct, in the case of this example
“orange”. 

This game is very entertaining. Some variants are relatively simply and fast to settle, but some others - at least for me - where really difficult. 

How do I feel? Is it difficult? 

Of course it would have been much easier if nothing would have happened to me, if everything would have remained as it was before my illness. You only learn to estimate those things, if something terrible happens to you, as with my illness. Only that time you will notice how complex the brain is. I never spend a second on this. That was just being “natural”. 

“A major advantage of my prehistory were my phobias”. During that time I was forced to deal with myself. I had to bring my phobias under control. It took almost 20 years. Only the last three or four years everything was ok. Only then everything was ok In the post-history I have to say that this was good for me. By my occupation with the phobias I was in a sense prepared in a certain sense for my aneurysm. 

Immediately after I woke up again - after the coma - have immediately accepted which has happened to me. That was finally an important step in starting immediately again with the reconstruction. I am since then busy with reconstructing my senses and my ability to think. In a sense it became a sport for me. With some things I notice still that I am completely overstrained with that. In the meantime I have learned to be patient and that I have to wait for developments. In some places I had to learn that first you have to learn that first there is "a" and "b" alone, before I can make “ab”! As said, patience plays a large role. I had to learn to make one step after the other. But I am also a little proud on me on what I achieved in the last 2 ½ years. 

I think it was very important that I accepted from the beginning what happened to me. It was very important that I was not busy to complain all the time, but instead was busy to start restructuring. 

Finally it is also clear to me that I had a giant luck to survive all this. 50% of humans are dying, the remaining 50% are heavily damaged. I am very, very, grateful for the fact that everything ran so well. I have in the last 2 ½ years learned so much over my life. And again: I am very, very gratefully for this!!! 

At the beginning it is very difficult to judge the progress correctly. But in the last 2 ½ I learned much better to estimate myself correctly. As I said at the beginning this was very difficult for me. But with the time I got better in estimating the details. Of course I learned as well how long that all takes. The development does not go within a very days, but instead takes years. In some booklets I have read that something you cannot learn in 1½ years, you will never learn it. I don’t support this attitude. Instead right now more and more pieces of my puzzle start to fit again. As said the most important for me was that I never lose my courage. I still have serious lacks. The most important however is to never give up. There is always a solution, perhaps not the one you expected, but there is always something to do. Of that I am completely firmly convinced.

Now I finally made it. I have spent a few days with reading the brochures over the aneurysm. This brochure comes from the "association for brain-aneurysm-sick - the branch of life - e.V. It lasted so long because it is among other things very difficult to read and understand the many foreign words from medicine. But as said it was a very good starting point to enter this topic. Now I will read some overview articles over this topic. I decided after some time of thinking that I will dig deeper into this topic. In the last weeks weeks my reading became much better. It is still very difficult, to read and understand at the same time, but from day to day it becomes a bit better.

In the following we again describe an experiment of Cogpack. The experiment is available in several variants. I will try to describe it in a certain variant. For all other experiment the rules are of the same nature. In the center of the screen numbers between 0 and 9 are displayed. The task is it press a key whenever two subsequent number are done. Thus e.g. first a “2” and then a “3”. It was particularly at the beginning very difficult since my attention is difficult to keep. But here as well I notice that every time I do this it is getting a bit better. The experiment is provided in so many different variants, that you are kept busy for some time. Of course you also learn what has been asked such as the numbers or seasons etc.. That may sound very trivial for some, but it is simply important, to make it again and again. Furthermore short to medium-term memory is trained. The variables are presented relatively fast. Moreover you learn not only to notice things, but as well you learn to make a difference. As said, everything sounds very trivial, but some very fundamental things are trained.

I was occupied for some time with colors. At the moment it only concerned the basic colors "red", "blue", "green" and "yellow". At the beginning I had serious difficulties to differentiate between them. At the beginning it was more or less a random number generator when I had to differentiate between them. In the meantime that became much better.

The play went as follows: It was a game in which I had do put colors into the fields.

At the beginning I plugged simple figures together. That doesn’t have a special artistic value, but I have learned to do something in a systematic way. I had to consider, how large I made a figure, which colors to use. 

The “actual game” was a bit different. I took a color, first looking at it carefully and then decided which color it was. Sometimes I did it loud, sometimes quiet. Only after I named the color, I was allowed to but it in.

It was relatively important to make the game in both variants so that different modules in the brain were used.

In the meantime the whole goes relatively well. But it still is not a “self runner”. It still costs me some effort to master the task.

I had an emergency treatment with my tooth this weekend. I hoped that this “cup” would go past me, but the pain was so strong that their was now way around it. 

During the night I almost didn’t sleep. I was a bit afraid that I might get another Epileptic accumulation. I also had a very strong pain. But in the end everything went well. I am very, very grateful for this. It is on such days that I notice how well I am. How good thing are. If I think that some people have each day such pain, then I recognize how lucky I am! 

I lately began to collect images from the internet to different topics such as animal or things you can buy in the supermarket (see next chapter). By that learn I learn new words (again). For me it was amazing how long it takes to learn new words. For some words it is quite fast an “elegant”, but some words take a long time to learn and remember them correctly. A variant of the task is, to write down the words. You can do the writing either with a pen or with a computer. One can make that once with a pin or do another time with the computer. It requires to a certain extent different resources from my brain. But overall it is a good exercise, and at least for me it is a good exercise to learn words again.

1 ½ ago I began shopping for the family again (just partly). That is a good exercise for many reasons. I began shopping in different markets. These was very important to me since I had to get familiar with different environments. Further more I not write on paper what I had to buy. These was a good exercise for my brain. I tried to keep that in my brain. On some days I then had to go shopping two or three times, until I had everything together. The whole thing was a bit more difficult when we moved to the country side. But in the last few weeks I started again shopping by taking my bicycle. And it is a lot of fun!!!